USA! USA! USA!
There was a baseball game today. Some stuff happened. The Red Sox scored more runs than the Nationals.
Why are you reading this? It’s the Fourth of July. Go be independent of baseball for a while. Have a domestic light lager or two. Have 3% of the hot dogs Joey Chestnut ate today. Come back here later.
Alright, now that it’s later. The Red Sox hit the shit out of the baseball. Trevor Story had four hits, a home run, and a stolen base. Lucas Giolito spun a gem, striking out seven over 7 2⁄3 innings. The Red Sox took an early lead in the second inning, grabbed seven more in the fifth, and that was that.
For some reason, the Nationals used four different relievers with an absolutely spent bullpen. That should help if the Red Sox are able to get to the starters tomorrow and Sunday. That’s all you need to know. Go enjoy your holiday.
Three Studs
Thomas Jefferson
He wrote the Declaration of Independence. Sick document.
Squanto
You gotta rotate crops, and he knew that. Shoutout to a real one.
Betsy Ross
Have you seen the flag? She crushed that.
Three Duds
King George
Taxation without representation? Are you kidding me?
Benedict Arnold
He was a bandwagon fan and didn’t even pick the right side.
James Corden
I’ve heard he’s rude to service workers. Not cool, dawg.