Uggggggghhhh.
What’s this team’s deal?
You know what this team’s deal is. They are the team you hate. They are the team you will always hate. In the future — long after the MLB owners have replaced the entire season with an AI simulation, thus finally achieving their dream of operating a baseball league without having to pay a single human being to play baseball — you will still hate the Yankees.
And they will deserve it.
They stole a logo designed to honor fallen police officers. They implemented a ticket resale policy that is explicitly designed to keep poor people segregated from the wealthy. They erected a monument to an owner who paid private investigators to spy on his own players and was convicted of a felony. They are this parasite’s favorite team.
They suck.
How good are they?
This is where it gets confusing because — even though, as we established above, they suck — they are actually quite good. FanGraphs currently projects them to win a division-leading 87.4 games, while Vegas has them at 91.5 wins — both totals trail only the Houston Astros in the American League. This is even accounting for the fact that the man who may currently be the best pitcher on Earth, Gerrit Cole, is a complete question mark right now.
Do the computers and the gamblers have it right? To be honest, I’m ill-equipped to answer this question. I am not capable of viewing the Yankees objectively. I always think the Yankees are worse than they turn out to be. I look at their lineup and see nothing but holes; I look at their defense and see nothing special; I look at their rotation and see a litany of future trips down to Alabama to see Dr. James Andrews.
So what do the projections see that I don’t? They really, really like the Yankees lineup. FanGraphs expects the Yankees to easily have the most productive outfield in all of baseball, which isn’t surprising given that it includes Aaron Judge, Juan Soto, and the guy who was the first half MVP of the 2023 Red Sox.
And while, outside of the outfield, there isn’t really any part of this Yankees team that looks elite, there’s plenty that looks good enough to make the team a winner. The floor for the middle infield combination of Anthony Volpe and Gleyber Torres sits at league average, with a ceiling that’s in the stars. And guys like Anthony Rizzo and DJ LeMahieu should provide veteran stability, if nothing else. If Giancarlo Stanton can bounce back at all, this lineup could be terrifying.
But ultimately, they’ll only go as far as their pitching can take them. That’s where Red Sox fans should have some hope because, without Gerritt Cole, this rotation looks solid, but not scary. Carlos Rodon is a perpetual injury risk, while Nestor Cortes has had just two above-average seasons in his entire career. Clark Schmidt is pretty much the definition of a fourth starter. And while rookie Luis Gil has nasty stuff, he’s less proven than anyone in the Red Sox rotation. If you had to bet on one Yankees starter to be better than league average this year, Marcus Stroman is easily the safest pick; Stroman’s a fine pitcher, but not someone who you would expect to lead a rotation into the postseason.
Who’s their most likable player?
This is an incredibly easy question to answer — but, for me at least, the answer sparks an existential crisis.
I LOVE Juan Soto. His preternaturally advanced approach at the plate makes his at-bats fascinating to watch. He has fun while playing the game and isn’t afraid to celebrate this talents. He deserves to be the face of the game.
And now he has the chance to become just that. A young, charismatic Dominican star will be playing in the capital of the Dominican diaspora, which also just happens to be the capital of the baseball world. If I can remove myself from myself, I would have to conclude that this is a wonderful thing for both Juan Soto and Major League Baseball as a whole. But as a Sox fan — yikes.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel the first time I see him mash a majestic homer against the Sox while wearing pinstripes. And I’m scared.
Who’s their most hatable player?
I hate you, Aaron Judge. I hate that you insisted you were just being super duper sportsmanshippy last year when it was obvious you were stealing signs. I hate that the national TV announcers mention that your parents were teachers every single game, as if you’re the league’s only middle class hero while every other player in MLB is the scion of an Eastern European archduke. I hate that you have a gap in your front teeth that you haven’t fixed, as if the idea of vanity is beneath you. I have a gap in my front teeth and I hate it! You think you’re better than me, Aaron Juddge?!?!
Schedule against the Red Sox
The Sox and Yankees don’t meet until June 14 this year. I’m terrified about what the standings are going to look like before first pitch that night.
June 14-16: Yankees at Red Sox
July 5-7: Red Sox at Yankees
July 26-28: Yankees at Red Sox
September 12-15: Red Sox at Yankees
Season Prediction
Maybe I’m Sideshow Bobbing myself and stepping on that rake one more time, but I’m just not buying the Yankees as the AL East champions this year. Not without Gerrit Cole, anyway. I do think, though, that it ends up being a close three-way race between the Jays and Orioles, and that the Yankes nab one of the wild cards. I’ll give them 89 wins.