On Opening Day, we peek into a future that is dark and full of terrors.
Cooper Criswell didn’t ask for this.
In fact, he said exactly that, way back during that now infamous press conference following the home opener. “Hey, I didn’t ask for this,” the embattled hurler said after giving up six first inning runs as the replacement for Garrett Whitlock, who’d injured himself while high-fiving Connor Wong at the conclusion of his complete game shutout against the Mariners the week before. “Do you think I signed up to start the home opener for the Boston Red Sox? Come on, man, I’m Cooper Freaking Criswell! Do I look like Jordon Montgomery? Or Blake Snell? Or Aaron Nola? Or Eduardo Rodriguez? Or Sonny Gray? Or Marcus Stroman? Or Shota Imanaga? Or that guy whose name I forgot who got busted for gambling?”
Twenty minutes later, after he’d finally finished reading off the list of unsigned free agent pitchers he’d written on both palms, both forearms, and the upper half of his left abdomen, the narrative of the season had been set: 2024 was the year of Cooper Criswell.
It’s not fair. But then again baseball rarely is.
What is fair, though, is that a team that began an offseason with an acknowledged fatal flaw — only to subsequently bring in exactly zero players from outside the organization to address that flaw — finished in last place. Again. So here we are. The 2023 Red Sox finished in last place because they didn’t have enough quality starting pitching. The 2024 version. . . yeah, you already know. Cooper Criswell.
It wasn’t all bad, though, was it? Triston Casas officially became a star, hitting 38 homers, improving his defense, and making his first All-Star team. The fact that he achieved all of this while serving as a part-time lifeguard at the M Street Beach in Southie (“I find that the tactile experience of delivering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation really helps to center my body, be present in the moment, and lay off 0-2 sliders.”) was even more impressive. Here’s hoping that offseason contract extension talks go well, though Craig Breslow probably doesn’t feel great about the fact that, in the midst of his three-homer game against the Yankees, on-field mics picked up Casas shouting “that’s another fifty mil!” while rubbing the fingers of one hand together and using his other hand to draw up architectural plans for an in-home spa with thermal baths made of melted-down Krugerrands.
Vaughn Grissom flashed some promise in between three different stints on the IL. Masataka Yoshida recovered from his fatigued rookie season to prove to be a perfectly cromulent DH. And Tyler O’Neill finished in third place at the 67th annual Mr. New England competition at Weirs Beach, New Hampshire. Go, Tyler!
And look: even the pitching had its moments. Whitlock logged six different starts of seven innings or more. Kutter Crawford quietly put up one of the 10 lowest ERAs in the American League in the second half. And Nick Pivetta had a six-week stretch in which he never allowed more than two earned runs in a game while averaging nine strikeouts per start (that’s right: I said per start, not per nine innings pitched). Was it Pivetta’s fault that he proceeded to give up 13 homers in his next five games games, leading to his demotion to the bullpen, or was it our fault for somehow believing that 2024 would be different than every other year of his career?
By the time the trade deadline rolled around, there was no question whether the Red Sox would be buyers or sellers. The bullpen games, the late-inning baserunning blunders, and, yes, all those Cooper Criswell starts made Craig Breslow’s decision easy. So long, Kenley, Chris, Jarren, and Tyler. Welcome, plethora of single-A lottery tickets all named Jackson and Walker.
Maybe 2025 will be different. Tom Werner has already indicated that it might be, when he spoke to the press following the final game of the season and guaranteed that the Sox would sign Roki Sasaki, Juan Soto, and the entire roster of players in the Korean Baseball Organization.
Despite concern from the White House that signing the entire foreign league could lead to tension with an important strategic ally, Werner’s thoughts were later echoed by team President Sam Kennedy. “Anyone who thinks we’re not committed to winning,” sneered Kennedy, “is a liar who doesn’t have the guts to call 877-REDSOX9 and reserve their Aura Pavilion 20-game ticket package for 2025 today.” To sweeten the deal, Kennedy promised new season ticket-holders and additional perk: a framed print of Brayan Bello’s latest MRI imaging, autographed by the only pitcher who was still available, Cooper Criswell.